The Reality Behind the Lens: Why Every Moment Is A Choice Studio Exists
When I first started doing these blog posts, the idea was simply to update you on the business. I wanted to let clients and future clients know what was going on in the studio, in the office, and in the constantly changing environment that is Every Moment Is A Choice Studio.
But I feel that it's just as important to keep things anchored and grounded in mental health, because that is truly where this all started. Every Moment Is A Choice Studio wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my own struggles with mental health, my suicide attempts, and my time spent in the Alberta Hospital.
People don't always realize how heavy of a burden others are carrying. We often fail to recognize someone else's mental state, and we forget to give them grace when they need it most. I know for myself, a lot of that comes from being so hyper-focused on my own mind, just trying to navigate how I'm acting and reacting to life.
It’s hard for all of us. Some days, it feels like walking on glass.
The Overheating Computer
The last couple of months have been absolutely crazy. There are days when I'm full of life and energy. And then there are other days where my bags are practically packed and I'm ready to check out. I’m just done. If my time was up today, I would be ready to go.
I have had that feeling for months now, and I can't seem to change it. It's frustrating, and I know it's not what anybody wants to hear. It's not that I want to actively harm myself, but I am literally ready to check out. April marks month number four of feeling this way.
I've been fighting with doctors trying to figure out why my head hurts the way it does. They call it a migraine, but pain medication takes migraines away. What I get is not a migraine. It literally feels like my brain is swelling and pushing against my skull. A psychologist explained it to me like this: my brain is working in absolute overdrive trying to manage everything. It’s like a computer working so hard that it gets hot, and when it overheats, the pain kicks in. It’s my body’s way of saying, “You're done. It's time for rest. Shut down.”
And honestly, all I want to do is shut down and sleep. I have no desire to socialize. I don't want to leave my house, get groceries, answer the phone, or text people back.
The Weight of Relationships on Mental Health
I don't think people with mental health problems always take into account just how much relationships affect their mental well-being. It's not just dealing with the highs and lows, or the positive and the negative. It runs much deeper than that.
I am definitely no relationship expert. I have loved three people deeply in my life, and they have all walked away.
My first wife left me because I wasn't there emotionally or mentally for her. I had anger issues. I didn't listen to her, and I couldn't make myself emotionally available the way she needed. It took years of therapy to realize that, and in hindsight, I know I was fighting a lot of demons I didn't want to face at the time.
Then there was love number two. I probably had no business falling in love with her. She was much younger, had a lot going on, and her family did not want me around. Ultimately, she pushed me away. But it wasn't just her I fell in love with; it was her and her three kids. When I got pushed out, it messed me up good.
Because of that, I spent the better part of five years limiting myself to short, three-month-long situationships. It affected a lot of different women in my life. It wasn't fair to them, but at the time, it was all I could manage.
Then I let my guard down, and I fell in love for the third time. We lasted two years. We started planning for the future, and then, all of a sudden, we were just done. I thought it was going to be a short break, but after seven months, she still won't speak to me. I don't even blame her. When we first met, I wasn't working, so I was emotionally and physically available all the time. But when I went back to work, I went back to some old habits. Farm life comes before a lot of things for me, and I didn't see the importance of prioritizing her family events. I know that hurt her, and I should have done better.
Now, I'm broken again, and I can't figure out how to fix myself. I try to talk to a new woman, and I end up shutting down, ghosting, and disappearing. I get a little bit of attention, I get nervous, and I pull away. I'm terrified of being hurt again.
Finding an Outlet
Putting words to paper has always been my outlet. Journaling, talking it out, and figuring things out for myself. Going to therapy and having a neutral person to vent to—that is what makes life manageable for me.
I used to post a lot of this on Facebook because it was a good release, but it often gave people the wrong impression, so I stopped. Now, I've taken to getting my thoughts out this way, turning them into blog posts. Maybe it will help somebody, maybe it won't. I have no idea.
I just want other people to know that they're not alone in their struggles.
For the last three months, doing my digital art via AI is what has been keeping me going. It is what keeps me functioning and getting out of bed, whether anybody actually ever buys the backdrops or not. I just need people to know that is what has kept me alive.
My Promise to You
If you read this, I want you to know that I am always here to listen.
I know it's a critical thing to say, and it’s a hard thing to hear, but for me, looking at suicide as the most selfish thing a person can do is the exact thought that keeps me alive. It doesn't just end your pain; it causes unimaginable pain and suffering for everyone left behind. That is the truth that anchors me.
I would rather text or call twenty different people until I get an answer than take my own life, because eventually, somebody is going to pick up. Somebody is going to listen. Someone is going to try to make your day better.
There are people out there feeling the exact same way you feel, having the exact same thoughts you have. Please, if you are having suicidal ideation, start going through your phone. Text people. Talk to someone.
Add my number. You don't even have to tell me your real name. Just say you're in crisis and you need to talk. I will listen. It doesn't matter what I'm doing; I will drop it and I will just listen.
403-304-2601
You do not have to hope and rely on 1-800 numbers where you may or may not get a human being. There are many of us who will take your call, take your text, and just sit with you in the dark. We won't try and change your life, but we will do our best to listen and keep you alive.
It is okay to be soft. Keep reaching out.
#EveryMomentIsAChoiceStudio #PerfectlyImperfect #GenuineConnection #MentalHealthMatters #ComfortCore #HealingThroughCreativity
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